Lighthearted Thursday Thirteen

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. Tom Clancy

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E Lewis

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Matt Lauer

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git.
Alexai Sayle

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
George Burns

I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
Geraldo Rivera

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel.
Anonymous

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Mae West

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